Naked Dialog: Who’s The Freakin’ Culprit!

Naked Dialog = Dialog only!

Warning! Reading the following dialog might annoy the living shit out of you! Continue at your own discretion.

Hunt: I will now reveal the true culprit behind this hideous crime.

Mike: You don’t have to make an announcement about it! Who is it already!

Hunt: You will have to refrain to from interfering with the investigation. Or I will have to put you into custody.

Mike: Is this guy for real?

David: Just shut the fuck up and let him do his thing. If he doesn’t finish in the next five minutes, I’m going to sleep right on this damn floor!!

Hunt: Let me remind all of you that we have been searching the entire mansion for the last four hours.

David: You don’t say!

Mike: Who’s interfering now?

Chandler: Um…

Hunt: Yes?

Chandler: Did you just say… Mansion?

Hunt: Yes.

Chandler: You’re… Talking about my apartment?

Hunt: Yes. May I continue?

Chandler: O.. Of course!

Hunt: According to my findings, there are no suspects in this mansion, other than the four of you.

Chandler: Excuse me!

David: OH MY GOD!

Hunt: Yes?

Chandler: There are only three of us in here.

Hunt: Gunther, is the fourth suspect.

Gunther: WTF! Why am I a suspect?

Hunt: Why aren’t you?

Gunther: I’m your fuckin’ partner, you moron!

Hunt: I haven’t seen you at all today. And you were here before me when I arrived at the crime scene. For all I know, you could have been inside the mansion at the time of the incident.

Gunther: My fist is going to be inside your skull, if you don’t cut the crap and spit out the name!

Hunt: As my “partner,” you should know that this is not my style. I will have to state the facts, follow their logical progression, and draw my conclusions as I move along, leading us all to the real criminal.

Gunther: Why did I ever quit my job?

Hunt: Now, as I was saying, I found no other suspects in this mansion except for the gentlemen in this room.

Mike: You hear that, Dave? We’re gentlemen now!

David: Is it impossible for you to shut your mouth for five minutes?

Hunter: I will not continue until you two cease your vocal feud.

Mike: Who talks like that?

David: Your mother! Now shut up before I turn your nose into an ugly looking bump on your ugly looking face!

Mike: Alright alright! Calm down, Cena!

Hunter: Very well. I shall continue reciting the chain of events that has occurred on this dreadful day.

Mike:

Hunter: According to what I gathered from interviewing each one of you, Mr. Chandler invited both Mr. David, and Mr. Mike to spend the night at his mansion. Is this correct, Mr. Chandler?

Chandler: Y… Yes! We always watch the game together at my apartment, since they both don’t own a TV.

Mike: Which is something you can’t help yourself from bringing up on any freakin’ occasion, can you?

Gunther: Seriously, dude! Shut the fuck up! Or I will tie you to this chair and ducktape your big mouth!

David: I don’t like you talkin’ to my buddy like that!

Gunther: Oh yeah? Then I bet you won’t like my pistol up your fat ass!

Hunt: Gunther! What did I tell you about threatening civilians?

Gunther: You told me it was cool!

Hunt: Gunther!

Gunther: FINE!! Just get this over with, will you?

Hunt: So, while the three of you were watching the game, Mike heard the doorbell, right?

Mike: Yes, I heard the doorbell of the fucking mansion being so majestically ringed.

Hunt: Then, you went to see who was calling at this late hour. Who was it?

Mike: It was this thing! If you can name it, be my guest!

Hunt: How intriguing! So you are saying that this thing came politely and rang your doorbell?

Mike: I don’t know if it did it politely! I opened the door and it was standing in front of me.

Hunt: So what did you do next?

Mike: I fucking screamed, man!

Gunther: Pussy!

Mike: Hey! Relax, double-o-seven! The thing was a lot scarier when it was alive!

Hunt: And?

Mike: And then I ran away toward the living room! And the freakin’ thing was chasing me!

Hunt: And that’s when both Mr. David, and Mr. Chandler saw the creature, right?

Chandler: Ye… Yes! We were both already standing up and looking at the door when we heard Mike’s scream. Then he came dashing into the room; the creature was right behind him!

Hunt: David, do you agree with what your fr…

David: Yeah, yeah, I fuckin’ agree with him! This ugly thing came in, we ran around the room a little, then it collapsed on its own, and this fucker here thought it was a good idea to call you guys. End of story!

Chandler: I… I had… It was…

Hunt: So you gentlemen are saying that you had nothing to do with this creature’s demise?

Mike: Yup! It crumbled to the ground as soon as it got in the middle of the room.

Hunt: Hmm… This case is proving to be more challenging than I thought. I don’t think my initial conclusion will suffice anymore.

David: Why did I agree to come here tonight? WHY? I don’t even like football!

Hunt: What do you think, Gunther?

Gunther: Oh! You wanna know what I think? I’ll tell you what I fuckin’ think! I’m thinking this is the last time we are working together, you ungrateful son of a bitch!

Hunt: If you are angry because I called you a suspect, I’m sorry. You knew my way of doing this job even before you agreed to work with me. But still, I’m sorry if I offended you. By saying that you were a suspect, I meant that I could not, by the rules of observation, exclude the possibility of you being here at the time of the crime, it had nothing to do with what I personally feel about you. Do you accept my apology?

Gunther: … Alright. But whatever your “rules” tells you to do, don’t you ever call me a suspect in front of civilians! Ever!

Hunt: Fine. Thank you for being so understanding.

Gunther: You’re… welcome.

Mike: Pshhh! Get a fuckin’ room!

Gunther: Ok, funny guy! One more stupid joke from your mouth, and I will make you the mistake that ends my career! Is that clear?

Hunt: Gunther! What do you think about the case?

Gunther: I fuckin’ think these bastards killed the creature. We should take them all to the station, and call it a night. That’s what I think!

David: I totally agree with this! Great fuckin’ idea, man!

Hunt:

Mike: I’m not going to prison voluntarily!

David: You’re not going to prison, idiot! We will most likely spend the night at the station, and get released first thing in the morning. It surely beats the hell out of standing here, listening to fuckin’ Sherlock all night!

Mike: This is so not cool, man! Talk about a buzz kill! And we didn’t even get to watch the game!

Chandler: Oh! Y… You don’t have to worry about that!

Mike: Why the hell shouldn’t I?

Chandler: I turned on the recording feature of my Smart TV.

Hunt: ???? When did you do that exactly?

Chandler: When the thing was chasing us.

Hunt: Tell me exactly how you did it.

Chandler: I… was holding the remote control in my hand. Th… Then I pointed it at the TV, and pushed the recording button.

Hunt: Show me exactly where you were standing.

Chandler: Um… right here.

Hunt: And where was the creature?

Chandler: It… It was in the middle of the room.

Hunt: Right between you and the TV… I see. Gunther?

Gunther: What!

Hunt: We will be taking Mr. Chandler alone. Handcuff him please.

Chandler: Wh… What? Why? What did I do?

Hunt: You violated the third law of the United Solar Systems of the Milky Way, which states that no creature shall put an end to another creature’s life.

Mike: Wait a minute! You’re saying Chandler killed this thing?

Hunt: That is exactly what I said, yes.

Chandler: H… How is this even possible?

Hunt: This Thing, happens to be the pet of Mr. Wakandal, the visiting ambassador from planet Gliese-581c. He had reported it missing three days ago. These pets have been genetically modified to receive orders from their masters through infrared signals. In other words, Mr. Wakandal was controlling his pet via a remote control.

Mike: This shit is fucked up, dude!

Hunt: And since the pet was in the range of your remote control, it’s not hard to see why it dropped dead all of a sudden. All we have to do now is analyze the signal from your “Record” button, and compare it with the signal of the button on the ambassador’s remote control that says “DIE”.

Chandler: This is… I mean I don’t… How can…

Gunther: You can keep stuttering all the way to the station, champ! Now move your ass.

Hunt: We will need you both to come to the station tomorrow for some paperwork.

Mike: Sure, whatever.

Hunt: That’ll be all. Good night.

Mike: Man! This shit is so fucked up!

David:

Mike: What the Fuck! They totally forgot about this… thing! Do you think we should just leave it, Dave?… Dave?

David: Zzzzzzz…

Mike: For real? Fuck it! I’m getting outta here!

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2 thoughts on “Naked Dialog: Who’s The Freakin’ Culprit!

  1. Amazing 😀
    ‘Gunther: Oh yeah? Then I bet you won’t like my pistol up your fat ass!
    Hunt: Gunther! What did I tell you about threatening civilians?
    Gunther: You told me it was cool!
    Hunt: Gunther!’

    Definitely the best part!

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